Most of us don't need anyone else to defeat us - we're too busy doing it to ourselves. There's nothing so frustrating as working toward a goal that's almost as dear to your heart as breathing, and even though you work and work to achieve it, you only fail again and again.

You might suspect that you're defeating yourself, but how to tell? After all, if you're not aware of it, how can you change it?

Below you can avail yourself of a highy effective method some colleagues and I used in a week-long training designed to be safe enough to work out pre-verbal issues. And our approach was not what you might expect.

We didn't spend lots of time analyzing unconscious motives right away. Instead we first did our best to made sure that the energy required to truly do effective work was not being siphoned off at some level. In other words, we asked each person to close all escape hatches.

An escape hatch completes this sentence: "If things get bad enough, I can always..." , I can always "smoke myself to death." "Eat myself into oblivion: "Starve myself into nonexistence." "Provoke someone to hurt me." Etc.

We required that each person commit to keeping the agreements during the entire training, but suggested they adopt them permanently.

This has the delicious consequence of stopping the leak of energy and channeling it into behavior that's actually problem-solving and constructive.

In case you'd like to check these out for yourself, here are the agreements.

        SELF-CARE CONTRACTS to CLOSE ESCAPE HATCHES

1. I will not harm myself accidentally or on purpose and I will not provoke anyone else to hurt me. I will protect and nurture myself.

2. I will not harm any other person or the environment accidentally or on purpose. I will respect others and myself and act in a responsible way.

3. I will not run away physically or emotionally. I will stay, work through my feelings, thoughts and behavior, and solve problems.

4. I will not be sneaky or lie. I will be honest with myself and others both intellectually and emotionally.

5. I will not get sick or go crazy. Instead I will be and become sane and healthy and work through problems responsibly by structuring my work within a contract.

6. I will stay socially appropriate except under contract.

7. I will not be passive. I will be responsive to my own and others' thoughts, feelings and behavior.

                                  ****************************
If you'd like to experience the difference keeping these agreements with yourself can make in your own life, you can start by reviewing each of them and committing to keeping them. Then choose the one you think will be hardest for you to keep, and focus your efforts for change there.

Inevitably, this will lead you to some unfinished business somewhere in your developmental history.  To find out how that inborn developmental process is designed and how to develop in healthy ways go to www.emotionaldevelopment 101.com

(This version was developed by the Experiencing Enough Training Staff ( Pamela Levin, Gail and Harold Nordeman, Elaine Childs-Gowell) using references from William Holloway, Laura and Harry Boyd.)

Pamela Levin is an R.N. and a Teaching and Supervising Transactional Analyst. In private practice 42 years, she has also completed 500+ hours in clinical nutrition, herbology and applied kinesiology.

Pamela Levin, R.N.
July 15,2013

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