Pamela Levin, R.N., T.S.T.A., 1/20/11

One of the biggest mistakes we make that has the power to sabotage our relationships is that we fail to take into account each others' emotional state. But emotional states are part of being alive - and they're part of every relationship. If we express them well, they contribute to the loving, nourishing relationships we need to sustain us.

But handle them poorly, and the result can be disruption so complete that the relationship breaks down completely.  In short, we can only benefit by learning to handle our emotional states well. What constructive cues can we take from how infants deal with their emotional states? Infants remind us that:

1. The purpose of emotional expression is to feel better by being heard and understood, not to make someone else feel bad.

2. Saying - "I'm mad," " I'm scared", "I'm sad "- is about declaring what we feel, not about competition. The old ploy: "You feel X, well what about me?" moves relationships in the opposite direction from nourishing and fulfilling.

3. Two people can feel at the same time. The fact that one person is expressing an emotional state does not negate such states in others.

4. Expressing an emotion is about creating camaraderie, closeness and understanding, not about negating what someone else feels. Each person has an equal right to feel.

5. Sharing an emotional state is about conveying feeling experiences to others, not about placing blame. Feelings are feelings; responsibility and causation are a different subject. "I hurt, I hurt I hurt" is an example of feeling expression. Who or what caused that hurt is about establishing responsibility and boundaries - a different process.

As adults, we can express an emotion without escalating it. In other words, we can transmit what we feel to another without increasing its intensity. No need to hit someone over the head with it! Further, if we sense the other person is not receiving what we're saying, we can use words. For example:

"I need to know you heard me and what I feel."

"Will you please translate back me what you heard me say? Because our relationship is important to me, I want to reveal any misperceptions before they have an opportunity to grow both roots and wings!"

"I know you have strong feelings about this too. Let me know you accurately received what I said so we can move on to what you feel."

Combining these lessons from infants with our adult skills is a great way to create the relationships of our dreams.
 

For resources that help you increase the nourishment and satisfaction in your relationships and your life right away, a great place to start is my free minicourse "Raise EQ: Seven Simple Steps to a Higher EQ" at http://www.raiseeq.com.

In a few minutes per lesson, you'll discover which of six primary areas is the right next step for you, the better to save yourself from needless relationship conflicts, headaches and heartaches.

--from Pamela Levin, R.N., Certified Teaching and Supervising Transactional Analyst, "Better Health Resources for  Body, Mind and Spirit".

 
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